Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
rise and shine we got egg
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.