Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now