BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

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every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.


Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.


By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance


There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again


🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.


*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.


Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…