@highprobably1

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

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@Social_Mime

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@PJTLynch

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

@Rrrocambolesco

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…