BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Rooting for the overdog
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!