Brb my Sims are getting married
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The struggle is real
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions