Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

You Might Also Like


In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.


*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.


The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?



I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*


Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.


I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen


[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse


Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..


*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years


WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*