Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
peeping toms
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.