Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
me when the borders lift
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
synchronized noseblowing
I see your IQ test came back negative
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”