Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.