Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO