Bread puns are on the rise!
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos