Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.