Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.