[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
You Might Also Like
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry