break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
felt cute might bury dad later idk
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
the prophecy has been fulfilled