Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.