Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
From my Mom
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please