breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You Might Also Like
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send