Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice