Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

*serious situation*

My brain:

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most