Breakfast in bed.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Life cycle of cat
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors