[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
my one true gender
me: what鈥檚 the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what鈥檚 the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me irl
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[trying to impress fianc茅e’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Him: I bet you鈥檙e good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um鈥k…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I鈥檓 calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”