Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-