breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?