[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.