[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
What personal space?
My dog
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I saw this ending much differently.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Finished stitching this today 😇
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.