BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales