Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco