BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
How about daylight saves us for once
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.