@NapVeg
@upsidedowntrash WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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@upsidedowntrash 
@NotKarma I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
@LoveNLunchmeat When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
@clichedout me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
@VerifiedBakchod “An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
@jabberwockkyy Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
@joeldanger My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
@mortimermaiden [trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
@80sjams I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
@EZ_G Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.