breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?


I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.


When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.


me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.


I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.