breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.