BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
You Might Also Like
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
A game married people play.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.