“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.