@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

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@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@smoney12

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

@MadHatterMommy

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

@yingi_flemmming

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

@impaulmccoy

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

@babblinbrooke4

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.