BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?