BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.