BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.