BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
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When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.