BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Customize Your Wedding.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Message from the dog groomers
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.