BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…