Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
You Might Also Like
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M