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I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.