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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
oh you wanna fight?!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”