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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute