Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Whisper out to librarians!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Oh. My. God.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.