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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs