Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!