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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?