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@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

@SonOfCha

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

@AndyAsAdjective

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

@philmann

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@FilmsWeWant

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances