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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?