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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter