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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]