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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Holy shit he’s back
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.