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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
set yourself free xox
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
thanksgiving in nutshell
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Seas the day!!!!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.