BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt


I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.


Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.


Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.


Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.


Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos

727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin


“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”


ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude


“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.


Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army