BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
peeping toms
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP