Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”


[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box


Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.


In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.


Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.


[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once


People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.


When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.


I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.


*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here