Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?