BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Denise please return my vape pen
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Feel. He’s so soft.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
It’s a gift
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.